Imperfection Perfect
The 18th letter to you.
Dear, can you feel any change within you that reflects outward while the clock is ticking? With this year almost over, I feel empowered to be motivated and inspired by contemplating death that I become the ‘imperfection perfect’ human being after my stay at the buddhist monastery for 3 days.
It was like finding scattered pieces of a jigsaw puzzle in my meditation and contemplation of death. The anxiety of swallowing solid food was my fear of death, and it was also because I was ignorant of how to express myself in my daily life that I become numb, paralyzed and tired. My anxiety to eat made me suffer and lost considerably a lot of weight that it threaten my life which resulting in psychosis. Although it happened gradually from the epiphany to the lucid dreaming and psychosis, it was the best timing I couldn’t avoid. My higher self ensure that I was in a safe environment, and also this time, my human self communicate the wish to heal slower and just continue being a human and enjoy my life that things become easier to integrate all parts of me, and fully express my multidimensional self/selves; I am a multidimensional being.
Even though it was a dramatic process integrating my higher self and fuse Her with the human body, my anxiety to swallow food become less and less. It was a true blessing and a fortunate thing that happens in my misfortune to once again continue taking medicine. Or I would say there’s no misfortune, but how you think in your mind is what you become. The misery or the blessing, end of suffering or suffering is in the mind. And because of the process of fusing a new personality, I was granted two words, “imperfection perfect” to remind me that I am perfect in my imperfection, healing doesn’t require me to become perfect or do it perfectly, but to be at ease to know that I am perfect in my imperfection, just like a bare tree in winter doesn’t need to adorn itself with leaves to show itself complete. With every season comes a different change in nature, and nature flow as it does without caring if it’s perfect or imperfect, so do I after my awakening to understand that death is impermanent.
Changes happened without me trying, because life is uncertain, and everyday is different, change occur the moment I freed myself from the fear of death because I can’t control death. The “imposter” who tried to copy and paste the divine in my daily life, the ego which tried to ensure my happiness, but enslave me in a cage with overthinking and endless harmful thoughts are now dissolve in the fusion of a new personality, one with a brighter outlook and endowed with her own inspiration to live a meaningful life in her own way. The unbelievable process I undergone can’t be told to other people who would rather think I had a psychosis than a spiritual process; so magical that it’s unbelievable. With that I become detach from my belief to prove myself. Now with this new personality I show myself to the world bit by bit until I am fully healed and integrating all my other aspects into one whole “super human being,” as the new ‘imperfection perfect’ identity.
Now like a new person, I fall to sleep early and rise early and enjoy every bit of my human life in this imperfect world that becomes perfect because I, too, is the imperfection that makes perfect. Like a story that unfold itself through the tapestry of life, I live and fell in love with taking care of myself and people I treasure in my life; life becomes meaningful.
