The Choice I Make
The 22nd letter to you.
All the hiding makes the heart anxious, all the secrets make it heavy. The world is how it is, and I need to learn it’s okay as it is, instead of looking through the filter of the mind.
Sometimes I want to talk freely without concealment, but people tend to judge and criticize, it’s hard to stay open and honest without lying. This world can be hard sometimes, and I want to shut out all the darkness that tries to penetrate through the cracks of my mind. Stillness is difficult with a mind full of negativity and endless nagging.
How do I live? Sometimes I want to be a perfect human being, walking on eggshells to keep the peace, but I failed completely out of anxiety. What people think of me, should I care? If I do something wrong would I be punished? If I do something good will I be praised? Endless thoughts and overthinking, when will I be able to free myself and live carefree? Maybe I get to accept that this is how it is, nothing stays permanent and people change.
What is ideal and perfect, are both easy to accomplish as drinking a glass of water? How to feel less burdened by the scars that are invisible? The seemingly ugliness people may mock or hate? Hate, what a strong word to use. Can one truly be content and stay positive all the time? Maybe not for a wounded person like me with scars etched into my soul. How can I wear them without inferiority? That I am also worthy of the good things in life? When will I feel secure enough to be who I am without concealment and hiding in the shadow so no one would notice me? I fear, of course I do, unless I am not a human being, maybe then I will live unrestrained. But for now, I will cope with my cigarettes and bad habits, because those things carry me through the day. I am unable to be perfect, it’s not possible, even if I demand myself to be one to prove my worth, it’s impossible. So let it be. Relax. Live. And breathe.
Some nights are long and some nights are short with eyes wide open because of the silence the night offers when everybody is asleep. I like it, but can I live unrestrained later in life, or will it be too late if I don’t do it now? Can I possibly rest my mind in peace and not chaos of anxiety? I wonder so much about a life with freedom, thinking to achieve it through introspection and healing of the scars I wear, because I want to live a life without fear of death.
What is holding me back? Other people’s feelings or the fear of offending them. I want to come clean and to live openly without hiding my true self. I am weary and always anxious, not yet fully feeling safe anywhere with people around, as if I might not be accepted for who I am. It’s truly troublesome. Can I hide forever behind my disguise? Oh, life isn’t easy at times with a cloudy mind full of negative thoughts, with overthinking and worry. I climb the stairs that reach far beyond this world, but yet, I haven’t reached the end. I am truly exhausted by my insecurity and tiredness of always the need to cover my mistakes, which actually aren’t my fault. What a burden to be this way.
Oh, God, please help this wounded warrior who lost herself in a whirlwind of doubts and dark imagination. And yet, I am unyielding, still standing tall. Glory, willpower all that seems possible, I only need to become more brave and secure in my choice to charge forward.
