Enough Is Enough

The 21st letter to you.

Everything feel so wrong once I feel my anxiety roars at me; my body feels wrong, my hair seems odd, my face imperfect and so on. Why is that?

The only thing I could do is to sit still in silence and meditate instead of distracting myself from the anxiety. The only way out is to sit with my anxiety and feel it to release and understand why, and through letting go of the thoughts in my mind that trip me off that I could truly feel calm and peace. It’s to see the truth straight in the face instead of being afraid of meeting them that you can free yourself from the illusion and cease your suffering.

I am not enlightened as Buddha, but I learn to let go and live a life that suits me. At times I set a goal for myself, and when I don’t achieve it, I beat myself up and become harsh towards myself, that is when I needed to love myself more and be gentle with myself. It’s something I still learn to do, and I have come to a place where I feel less anxious and frustrated, because I feel supported and loved by those closest to me. The understanding they gave me is gold worth. I am truly blessed with many good friends and family around me.

Sometimes I run off track, but I do my best to not lose hope and give up, but to restart and do it again, I won’t succumb to negative thoughts.

I no longer feel repulsive towards my diagnose and taking medicine. I am awake to know what is best for me, but some part of me is afraid that I will take the wrong path or choice in my everyday life, especially when someone else’s involved.

My insecurities was what made me follow others people’s lead. I am actually not without feelings when I take medicine that I previously believed in. I still feel, still have my unresolved emotions I need to release and work on. I am not entirely clueless, but only because I had fear of dying by choking on food that made me loose my vitality and hope. Although I live enclosed in my own bubble, the small silent voice in my heart still whisper encouraging words to keep me going. It said, “enough is enough,” enough suffering, enough of the same old routine that lead nowhere. Be clear headed, and I will find many problems was only made up by the mind. It tripped me off, and try it best to enforced the illusion it created. But enough is enough. I’m learning to live fearless and carefree, the suffering is something of the past, I don’t need to bring it along with me anymore.

Cling not to thoughts, let feelings visit and let it flow like clouds with the passing wind.

With love,
Amara T. Lam