Keep Going.

The 24th letter to you.

So, what is the meaning of my existence? I ponder long and hard, yet I still find the mind fascinating to be able to hold so many thoughts and ideas. It’s like a vast expanse of blue sky with no boundaries. Where do I start and where does it end? 

I have such high expectations of myself that healing becomes a task, as if the goal I set needs to be achieved overnight. The fact that changes happen over time is far beyond my expectation, as if the world would collapse if I couldn’t see the results I want immediately, what a pipe dream. Of course changes can not happen overnight. It takes time for a seed to grow and sprout, so do I. In the meantime I need to be patient with myself. I have learned a lot during my self-discovery journey and self-development. It all comes back to unconditional self-love. The patience I need to give myself, and the self-love. How hard can that be? Oh, I tell you, it took my almost decades to truly be able to love myself unconditionally, and there are no short cuts and also not an easy job to do. Even how much I suffer I need to stay alive and keep going. What else could I do if not staying alive and keep going? I can’t bear to leave this world yet and let my dearest family and friends stay behind with sorrow and grief.

At the age of sixteen I wish I could give my best to my siblings. Wishing to teach them about self love and give them unconditional love, even though I often think of suicide, but never actually plan to do it. This was all thanks to my little sister and little brother, they are my anchors to this world. Therefore I am resilient and did my best to heal myself or just to search for the truth. I read all sorts of books and was active in asking for help whenever I could. Life was hard, but at least I had enough clothing and shelter from the rain and wind, the only thing that bend and stretch me was the storm within my mind.

Sigh, it’s such an arduous task to heal myself, but I can’t back down and lay flat on my back and avoid to grow and heal. All I could do is cheer myself and keep going. I hope to have a pure and peaceful mind, free from anxiety and fear of the unknown.